Babysis's space

 Moved to http://babysis.wordpress.com/

Those were the words from a sales lady at NTUC in her attempt to promote some hair growing product. Beats me as to why she thought that such a remark would result in a purchase.  Brushing her off rudely, I walked over to the next row. She tagged along and tried to push a pamphlet into my face. Probably thought she was really on a crusade to save me from going bald.

 

The thing is, she wasn't the only one who showed "concern" so bluntly. I couldn't help agreeing with my students that some Singaporeans are completely out of line. A bunch of insensitive and rude folks, dropping careless remarks without realising what kind of damage they have caused others emotionally.

 

Matt has learnt not to comment about my hair or my body. I made his life difficult whenever he "kindly" suggested that I'm putting on or I need to do something about my hair. My family stood on his side, scolded me for being overly sensitive and told me to give the man a break. Afterall, he only meant well.

 

But being someone close to me, he should understand that I no longer wish to be subjected to such "concern". No matter how nicely a remark has been phrased, it still cuts. Even if it is just to point out a fact, it still hurts like hell. It's especially so for me because I have been subjected to ridicule and "jokes" since young. Whenever a comment was passed, I felt like a cornered animal and the only way out was to retaliate.

 

Broad shoulders, plump, a straight body without much curves and limp hair. I didn't choose to be different. But the fact remains that I am not part of the "norm" and I have to pay for it. 

 

I towered over the rest of the kids in kindergarden.

 

In primary school, was called names such as "Ah bui", "Ah fat", "Fatty bom bom" etc. I cried. My parents didn't think much about it and told me not to be too bothered. My mom was a good cook and she wanted her kid to grow up healthy and plump. No skinny bony girls in our house and therefore no ballerinas too. My parents didn't enrol me for ballet because they feared that I might break my toes. Have you ever seen a fat swan? No.

 

In secondary school, I looked much older than my peers because of my built. A friend once commented "you look like you are old enough to be our mother. fruits that get ripe too easily, get rotten easily too (Direct translation from a chinese phrase). " Another told me that I looked like a man 'cos of my huge body frame.

 

In JC, a guy once asked me whether I was 2 years senior since I'm of a different nationality and I looked older than 18.

 

In uni, matters were made worse with me hanging around a girlfriend who was slim and got great hair. Was told that we should do a slimming ad. I was "BEFORE" with all the fats overflowing and she was to be "AFTER". Was asked at the rate that I'm losing hair, would I go completely bald when I grow old.  Was told that my "sweaty palms" were disgusting.  Was told that I had bad breath. Was told that I can do with losing a few pounds. Was told that they could see my scalp, yikes!

 

Comments never ceased to end. Not even when I started working.

 

When will this ever come to a stop? Give me a break please.

 

He cleaned the kitchen, scrubbed the toilet,  washed the carpet, washed the dog, did the dishes, vacuumed the floor and offered to cook noodles for me when I said I'm hungry.

 

So I asked him whether he is having an affair. His reply, "神经病！“

 

I still can't help but complain a little now and then about him not being very thorough in his cleaning. But deep down, I am truly grateful for all that he has done these few weeks. 

I've worked myself to a point where if I didn't take a break, i'm almost ready to give my boss the letter. When I told him so, he questioned me as to how the he** did I land myself in such a situation. He did say go ahead and hire, didn't he? He did advise me to do tasks in order of priority, didn't he? He did tell me to say "NO" to certain requests, didn't he? He did say not to take on certain projects if we are short-handed, didn't he?

 

That was communicated over a couple of heated arguments and though I know he meant well but nevertheless, in my current state of mind, it sounded very much like accusations to me. So I either cried myself silly or thought of ways to survive by resigning first then look for a job.  

 

One of the ways I thought of was to seek help from my dad, for him to tide me over financially for the time being.  But when I do get to see him, I just couldn't bring myself to broach the subject. I am 31 years old and shouldn't be giving my dad any more troubles.

 

In the end, instead of tendering, I decided to go on leave for two days. Hopefully with "battery" re-charged, I can be brave once more to face challenges ahead.  

 

Today is the second day of my leave. Now that I'm clearer in my mind, I did try to reflect on whether it was my own doing. Till now, I don't have a clear answer.

 

I think too much. Perhaps that's where the problem lies. To answer my boss's questions, I didn't want to hire 'cos it might just be a crunch period with all deadlines coming together. But once we pulled through, our new hire might be sitting around doing nothing. My boss's solution to this - Ask him/her to leave. But this isn't how I work. It's a pain to let people go. So the decision of hiring isn't to be taken lightly.

 

The fundamental skills a project manager must have would be to have the ability to prioritise and say no at times. I've been working as a PM for a while now, think I don't know that? But these are different projects, different clients, all with tight deadlines and I don't think these are folks who can take NO for an answer gracefully. One way to deal with this is to push things out without really caring about the quality of work produced. But that's not how I work.

 

And every single opportunity of a project is precious so how can I possibly turn it down? It's not how I work.  

 

 

I'm almost quite convinced now that it is really my own doing. But I won't be able to change my character no matter how hard I try. If I join another company, I'll probably be working hard too. Perhaps not as hard as I am doing now but close enough. For now, I see myself doomed forever and a total solution would be hard to find. 

 

 

这几年来，深深体会没钱是不行的。真希望一切与钱有关的问题都能消失，让我好好地喘一口气。

 

有些人生下来就从来没为钱而烦。有些人不必太奋斗， 钱就会自动送上门。有些人凭着另一半不愁吃不愁穿。有些则跟我一样为五斗米折腰。老天啊，你也真的是#￥*$&U@*(#不公平！

 

                                                                                           *** 听到老板有事没事买新车，而受到刺激的我 ***

好几次都坐在我的办公位置上，偷偷地落泪。拭一试眼泪又告诉自己勇敢地做下去因为我需要工作赚钱维持生计。同时也觉得自己好幼稚，这么一点苦也耐不了，真是逊毙了！愧我还是公司里所谓的管理级人物。

 

老板不能理解为何我会那么累，为何不把工作派下去。在这种精神状态下，他的关心被解读为指责。让我情绪激动地想抵辞呈。

 

如果跟爸说，他大概也会和老板一样的反应。对他而言，不合理的要求是磨练。没听说有人因为工作太多翘辫子的！他从不赞成我放弃。

 

学生，朋友也都在纳闷为何我会把自己搞成这种德性。至于老公，他的情况也只不过比我好一点点，那就别想能从他那里得到任何反应和安慰。

 

老实说，我也不是很清楚是不是我做错了。有一大堆工作要做，把东西往我的属下推不就行了吗？管他们做不做得来，做出来的是不是没水准。 没人手不就再请吗！替公司考虑那么多干什么！不能做事的人，叫他们滚蛋，何必难过替他们想那么多？ 东西没做好但能推出去给顾客就好了吗！为什么要做的完美？

 

爸妈，你们真地把我的名字取错了。要我依照真善美， 把任何事都做到完美原来是那么累人的。

Car got damaged on the passenger side and now at service centre for repairs. According to Matt, the lorry was going right and he was turning left. There wasn't even a scratch on the lorry but ours ended up in a sorry state.

 

Am glad Matt walked out of it unharmed but there goes the discount for insurance. Not to mention the money to be spent on repairs. And we just re-painted the whole car. *Sigh*